I am still Many

A rare glimpse behind the curtain

Sitting here, I worry about my ears, my head, and the sudden way that noise can rob me of the ability to process human sound and try to make sense of it.

I just put in my loop earbuds, trying to soften the pinging intrusion of the man’s voice going on and on, across the aisle from where I sit.

This is a joyous occasion for me - I never eat breakfast out!

I suppose this day is special, as truly all days can be, each their own unique blend of God’s various blessings.

Moments ago, I was in my vehicle on my way to get water for my family, when I hit one of the area’s gazillion “potholes” - something I personally attribute to being near the current of the St Clair River, undermining the structural integrity of our roads.

Immediately my thoughts were jarred into vigilance, as soon as my aged van passed over the unavoidable linear hole that locals are all too intimately familiar with.

Immediately I started praying, too - although my version of “prayer” may seem unfamiliar.

Or not?

I didn’t ask for anything.

I simply opened.

“Okay, Lord...

If you have it for me today to suffer another vehicle breakdown...”

What?

I didn’t finish the thought, my mind splitting into at least four versions of “the way forward” - each part of me imagining what I could/would/should do, IF.

Do other people do that, too... or is it a “multiple personalities” thing?

I mean - the part about having so many VERSIONS of thought going at once.

Because… Since I have basically tried to avoid other humans to various degrees throughout my entire life...

And because I sustained severe enough injuries by the time I was 8 years old, that I had to relearn how to BE a human - and pass for “normal” as best I could...

Even after almost 55 years of living, I still cannot tell you what “normal” is.

Can anyone?

🤔⁉️

Neurodivergent.

Good word. I like that.

My way of experiencing the world does not closely resemble what most people seem to experience.

But again, I could diverge into several different paths here as well, describing so many different ways in which I am “divergent” - beyond what I can blame on my damaged nervous system, methinks.

Earlier this morning, before the break of dawn, I was preparing one of my Stillness Series emails... on prayer.

Like anything I write, that piece was written in the “voice” of one particular blend of my Many parts or “personalities”.

For months now, I have confined my “voice” on this Substack to one particular blend, because I seek to lead people towards calm, stillness, rest, and connection to their own beautiful life.

And maintaining a steady voice is beneficial for CALM.

🪷😌🪷

I just finished my “ViFa” series on Vigilance Fatigue - and am about to launch into a new season of this Substack, a time of freshness where I hope to show myself just a bit more again, “behind the scenes” as it were.

Reminds me of the Wizard of Oz: “Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

But I want to be seen, in the way that all humans do - to be heard, known, accepted - and even... Dare we hope? ...Understood?! Gasp!

Can we ever BE understood?

By our own selves (and I have Many!), let alone by others?

⁉️🤔⁉️

Well.

I began this as a preface to a piece of writing I did earlier today, which I had intended to be the “real post” for today.

Humorously, I had intended THAT piece to be a preface - or more like an interjection - between what I last posted and a piece of writing that I composed days ago and had begun preparing materials for - freebies to give away here and at my Quiet Strength Studio on Ko-Fi.

Alas, whenever I write freely without a clear structure prepared beforehand, I do tend to RAMBLE. So I am dividing the 3 pieces of writing into perhaps 3 different posts.

🙄🤷‍♀️

So in summary...

Not only am I still most definitely Many (as in the name of this Substack) “behind the curtain” of my typical “teaching mode” writing...

But I also have a second flavor of “desire to be seen” instead of hiding behind a screen...

I want to take all the horrible things I have seen...

All the indescribable things this body has endured, and all these minds of Many...

All the hard-won lessons I have learned - that I am STILL learning…

And I want to SHARE what I’ve learned, gently, and in the spirit of “Pay It Forward.”

CAN you learn anything from an almost 55-year-old neurodivergent creative?

I hope so.

But as I explain in my ever-growing Stillness Library - Quiet Strength Studio:

If you feel even just a tiny bit less alone - or a tiny bit more SEEN - after reading something I wrote...

Then I have accomplished the goal of my work...

And YOU are part of its “success”!

THANK YOU for reading - even this one post.

I will continue to post here on my Substack every Tuesday morning, taking an occasional week off for my own Rhythm Recovery (more on that later!).